Saturday 22 August 2015

The Top 10 Greatest British Aliens

I welcome you to the first Another Fucking Count Down! Well I would if anyone actually read this shit, well they're the ones missing out because today's AFCD is the Top 10 British Aliens because...I have no real justification for this, I just like aliens. 







Do not sit on the toilet, you will think about stupid things and end up writing top 10 lists about aliens. My country of origin has created a shitload of good sci-fi over the years so I felt like celebrating it below, my only regret is that no video game characters appeared - but sadly Rex, Zub or Zool just couldn't compete with the 10 below. So are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin. 



10. The Bat Beast of Kent!
It seems right to have at least one alien on the list whose origins are in the real world rather than fiction, but honestly Britain’s a bit short on extra-terrestrials of note, with most of our cryptids eschewing sci-fi for the horror genre – or just being big fucking dinosaurs. There’s a possibility,  I suppose, that the Owlman of Mawnan might be an alien, but there’s also the possibility that the Owlman of Mawnan if a complete load of bollocks invented by a mad stage magician who once flat out hoaxed the Loch Ness Monster, but then there’s the Bat Beast of Kent.  Get this; four teenagers are on the way home from a party in '63 when they see a orb of light descend and land in Sandling Park in Kent, just afterwards a bizarre five-foot tall thing comes out of the underbrush, a seemingly headless monster with webbed feet and large wings like that of a bat – unlike Owlman this lot didn’t tell their story to a paranormal investigator but went straight to the police, pants still full of terrified shit. It is of course totally possible they were all pissed as farts but another, sober, fellow also saw the ball of light and reported it so the theory is roughly ‘well if that was real, then the bat-thing was too’. I’m honestly not sure I believe in aliens and thus if it wasn't an alien I’m not sure what I’d think the Bat Beast would be – aside from fucking terrifying – but it’s similarities to the very well documented Mothman of Point Pleasant, who only appeared a few years later, makes me wonder, y'know? and it's a cool story. And look, I wrote a whole paragraph about a freak in Kent and didn't make a joke about in-breeding! Go me!


09. Galaxus!
Easily the lest well known of the choices for this list, Galaxus was an adventure strips (‘strips’ – individual comic strips within British comics which are typically anthology titles - are usually categorized as either ‘comic/comedy’ or ‘adventure’ strips) appeared in British comic book Buster from 12th November 1966 to 15th June 1974, an impressive 7 and a bit consecutive years when even the bigger names in adventure stripes tended to either come in bursts (Danny and his Iron Fish, Billy The Cat, Jimmy & His Magic Patch) or barely last a few years (The Spider, Cursitor Doom, Janus Stark). I’m not including him for his longevity though, I’m including him for the purely subjective reason that he’s awesome, he’s a little alien monkey-thing that turns into a big alien monkey thing and fights the government, I know this is a terrible reason to put something in a top 10 list and very unprofessional and all that but fuck you – big monkey big! Yeah The Leopard From Lime Street is certainly Buster’s definitive Adventure strip (and lasted a bit longer than Galaxus too, clocking in over 9 years) but he’s not a big alien money-thing is he?


08. Mr Spoon!
I don’t think if it’s ever explicitly stated that the planet the Spoon family lives on in Button Moon isn’t supposed to be earth, I mean it’s quite earth-like (it even has a council estate, quite radical really, especially as we’re discussing Button Moon) but as they’re made out of fucking household goods and there is a witch and a dragon and anthropomorphic animals, not to mention talking jellies just off-planet, I’m going to consider them aliens. I do love Button Moon, I know it’s a bit shit but it has achieved that kind of ‘nostalgic iconic’ status that makes t-shirts of it acceptable for adults to wear out (still haven’t got any toys though, why no Mr Spoon toys? WHY?) and the designs of the characters are by and large clever and well thought out so I feel comfortable putting him at number 8, he’s a nice bloke too, the odd voyeuristic tendency aside.


07. The Martians from War of the Worlds!
Ooo-laaaa – yeah War of the World’s was written by an Englishman, not Jeff Wayne no (he’s from Queens), our boy H.G. Wells; hell the first of the spheres lands in Woking, birthplace of one of the greatest Englishmen to ever walk the earth, not Churchill no (he’s from Dickfaceland), Paul Weller. The Martians’ Tripods stride across sci-fi as big heat-ray shooting icons, and having seen the stage show they remain as terrifying as they were that time they put the shits up about a third of America (lol), you know when Orson Welles did it on radio? If not, Google it. Why are they so low? Because I can kill them by coughing on them, that’s why – sorry if spoilers from a book written in 1898 bother you  but the Martians’ immune systems can’t take earth bacteria, so they lose some of their awesomity (that IS a word) when you can massacre them via the sniffles.


06. The Doctor!
Doctor who? Sorry, sorry. Anyway yeah, The Doctor, perhaps Britain’s most famous TV hero, is only number six – why? Because there’s 14 of ‘em; Every fan has their favourite and I swear it is impossible for two of them to rank the 14 (I’m including John Hurt) in the same order (by the way, if you find a member of the opposite sex who does rank the doctors the same as you – marry them!), personally speaking I like Sylvester McCoy, Tom Baker, David Tennant and William Hartnel while Matt Smith and Peter Davidson get on my nerves; I’d make a joke that at least we all agree that Colin Baker sucks, but apparently we don’t because (internet reviewing sensation and dedicated Whovian) Diamanda Hagan loves him. It’s this sheer divisive nature of the character that holds him back if you ask me, on top 10 lists anyway…


05. Marvin the Paranoid Android!
[Insert Radiohead lyrics here] yeah just about all of the major aliens in Hitchiker’s could be here, you could easily suggest that the Vogons, Zaphod Beeblebrox and Ford Prefect are just as deserving a slot as a chronically depressed robot that was once voiced by Alan Rickman but, I’d argue – it’s Marvin for fuckssake, he’s a chronically depressed robot that was once voiced by Alan Rickman, no other characters have been voiced by Severus Snape have they? On a more serious note, I think it’s fair to say that Marvin is the ‘mascot’ of the HItchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy franchise, and certainly the most recognisable (well his name is, I mean he’s from a radio play originally, they don’t have pictures) and is easily the funniest, which is a point – as a sufferer of clinical depression I’m sure I should be offended my illness is being played for laughs, but I’m just not – I dunno, maybe because the affliction is not mocked so much as it played off of, I don’t get ‘it’s funny to be depressed’ from it, more ‘it’s funny to see people react to chronic pessimism and to see chronic pessimism reacts to things’.


04. The Soup Dragon!
The Clangers are cute but come on, you all preferred the Soup Dragon, admit it to yourself, I’m sure you’ve bought a little Clanger stuffed toy (I have), either ironically or not, but when you see an episode – you’re waiting for the Soup Dragon to appear and you’re always happier when she does. So in conclusion; it’s all about the Soup Dragon. That is why the Soup Dragon is representing The Clangers – one of the most charming and fascinating children’s shows ever produced, because the Soup Dragon is the real star of the show, not bad for some wood with Fuzzy Felts glued on it.


03. The Mysterons!
The Mysterons are sheer genius, they are the ultimate example of ‘less is more’, with them the Andersons managed to create a genuine threat that was genuinely threatening, that scared kids and can still unnerve them (at least) today if reactions to the CGI show was anything to go by – with a vocal synthesiser and two rings of light. Let’s see you do that; let’s see you create an iconic villain with a torch and a funny voice. On a rough tangent one of the coolest toys of the 90’s was Captain Scarlet related, it was a Mysterons ‘gun’ from Vivid Imaginations, pulling the trigger shot the Mysterons’ light out and at the same time activating a voice changer so you could speak in the Voice of the Mysterons, fantastic. Also one fact about the Mysterons: it was all Spectrum’s fault they got so determined to fuck earth up in the first place, Captain Black blew up a base of theirs almost totally unprovoked, because he’s a prick (but another damn fine villain).


02. The Mekon!
Must…contain…enthusiasm…for…Dan…Dare…must…not…rant…about…Dan Dare’s…lack of…merchandise…*EHEM* *cough* despite that arsehole Judge Dredd’s continued high profile, Dan Dare remains our great comic hero (Dredd isn't really a hero is he? More of a, well, fascist cop) – I maintain that he’s ‘our’ Captain America (I also maintain that our ‘Superman’ is Desperate Dan, which I guess makes Judge Dredd ‘our’ Spawn, OK I’ll stop grumbling about Dredd, I do like his stories, I just don’t like him that much) but for all Dan’s awesomeness (and there’s a lot of it) I honestly think it’s his villain, the mighty melon that is the Mekon, that has had the true staying power. I still hear people refer to big headed people as ‘The Mekon’ (yes that’s cruel, but also slightly funny) and the Mekon was a fantastic character, this petty little alien who was such a huge threat…wait…the Mekon’s Adolf Hitler! A little shit with a big conquering army and a master race way of thinking, holy shit, I just got that – of course unlike a certain singular bollocked failed artist, the Mekon was actually a physical threat on his own – big noggin, big telepath - he’s also a superb design, very alien and yet very expressive with a face that always seemed like it was scheming. God I love Dan Dare.


01. The Daleks!
I have to justify this why? It’s the Daleks. More people can recognise the fucking pepper pots of Skaro than they can the current prime minister, they’re one of the greatest villains ever created in fiction, they terrified about three generations of children and thrilled around five to six, they’re actually good characters even if they are faceless murder machines (you understand their motivations is what I mean), they've remained a genuine threat (now they can go upstairs), they've an engaging backstory, a commanding presence. They’re the Doctor’s greatest foes and one of the most iconic (yes I've used that word three times, but I this it’s appropriate all three times) characters in television, hell in any media – in the UK they’re on the same level as Mario, Tony the Tiger and Spider-Man. My mum knows what a Dalek is; YOUR mum knows what a Dalek is. This is not just because it’s Dr Who, this is because the Daleks are without a doubt the greatest British Alien, in fact they’re one of the greatest aliens in fiction, Superman is lower down the list than them (sorry Clark, it’s just, well, they’ve got more personality than you mate – and they've removed all their emotions). 

Aaaannd that's my list, carefully prepared on the toilet and utterly faultless in every regard. If you have read this, feel free to argue how wrong it actually is, you'll probably be right. Ta all. 


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