Sunday, 25 June 2017

Ten OTHER Great Songs By... The Damned

No Bootsale Report, because I honestly can’t muster enough enthusiasm, instead have an article on a punk band.
Ladies and Gentlemen – how do.
Welcome to the fourth instalment of Ten Other Great Songs By… where I gush about the songs you’ve never heard of by bands you don’t know the name of but would recognise if you heard them, eschewing the one or two hits the act has to tell you about 10 other great songs they recorded. We also ignore what I’ve taken to calling a band’s Teenage Kicks – songs that weren’t successful (or even singles sometimes) but are now as well known, if not more well known, than those top selling singles - just like The Undertones’ song Teenage Kicks, which far more people know than their highest charting single My Perfect Cousin. Because I just watched their excellent documentary Don’t You Wish That We Were Dead, today it’s time for The Damned.
God just explaining the Damned’s line-up changes is going to take a paragraph. Ok the Damned were one of the first wave of British Punk bands who formed out of the atrociously named rehearsal group the London SS (along with The Clash, Generation X and The Pretenders). They eschewed the more socio-political focus The Clash and the Sex Pistols had to sing songs about, well, just about anything they felt like and were formed by Brian James (Guitar) and Rat Scabies (Drums). The band have a habit of breaking up and reforming with the same regularity that most people change cars, even their most iconic member Captain Sensible (Guitar) was out of the band for a few years in the 1980s  after his solo success as a novelty act made it genuinely difficult to sell the band (no, really). The only member of the group who’s been in every line-up is front man Dave Vanian (vocals) as such, no matter what Scabies and James say, I consider wherever Vanian is to be the Damned (except when he was performing with the Phantom Chords obviously, they’re not The Dammed, they have their own name). The bass player was originally Sensible but after he switched it’s been a revolving door of various people that are sometimes people who got cancer, sometimes Dave Vanian’s wife and sometimes Lemmy; Paul Gray and Algy Ward are probably the two most noteworthy. Vanian and Sensible have both had bitter fallings out with Scabies so Scabies hasn’t been with the band since their last reformation, however Pinch (Drums) and the utterly wonderful Monty Oxymoron (Keyboard) have. Got all that? Right, the band were the first British punk group to have a single (New Rose), album (Damned Damned Damned) and American tour (all courtesy of Stiff Records because they’re the best record label ever) and have actually had a few hits – Love Song, Smash it Up and Eloise, so we’ll be ignoring them and their two punk anthems New Rose and Neat Neat Neat which is fine by me as I’ve never really liked Neat Neat Neat as much as I think I’m supposed to.
On a personal note I’m a pretty intense Damned fan, for me they form a kind of unholy trinity of British Punk with The Jam and The Clash and I’ve seen them more times live than any other act bar Alice Cooper, even more than Billy Bragg – who I would happily take a bullet for. I’m happy to see them finally getting the same sort of recognition as The Clash, the Buzzcocks and even the Sex Pistols because while The Clash just beat ‘em for me they’re as good as all three. So are you sitting comfortably? Then mine’s a large one landlord

Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde (The Black Album, 1980)
So at one of the many Damned concerts I’ve attended they began playing his song and a group of largered up toss-pots began heckling and chanting for ‘punk rock’ and not ‘this goth shit’ – it’s one of the few times I’ve moved away from the front of the crowd during a headlining act (the other was during a Pogues performance of Body of American, I’m enthusiastic not suicidal), I didn’t want to be associated with that shit. “What a posse of wankers” thought I “how can you fail to appreciate that there is a man up there doing a duet with himself about The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde – that is the perfect execution of the concept ‘Jekyll & Hyde sing a song’ – just because the music’s slower and creepier? Fuck off to an Exploited gig =- anyway it’s The Damned what did you fucking expect?”

Fan Club (Damned Damned Damned, 1977)
As you will no doubt see in this post, I generally prefer the Damned’s creepier songs to their wackier numbers; this is my attempt at compromise. It’s not the creepiest track on the Damned’s debut (that’s Feel the Pain) and is a hard punk number from the mind of Brian James who plays for lack of better terminology ‘proper guitar music for headbanging bastards’ but there’s a slower, creepier, black and white horror vibe going on with the arrangement (especially in the instrumental breaks following ‘for my fan club’), I have an idea the Misfits really like this song, and Vanian’s vocals have that similar b-movie vibe going on (are they treated? Or is it just Dave’s natural talent at sounding a bit odd?). The song’s about the self-loathing that comes with being in a band and a star, the lack of real emotional connections you make, the peculiarities of fans, the booze, all that shit, but The Damned make it sound like its being performed by The Crawling Eye.

I Need A Life (I’m Alright Jack & The Beanstalk, 19951)
Right, this, I like this album but you won’t hear it played live by the Damned and won’t even see it mentioned very often, it’s the cause2 of the rift between Vanian and Scabies and I do feel a little like I’m being a bit…traitorous including tracks from the album but it is an official Damned album, does feature Dave Vanian (and Rat Scabies) and if anything is suited for this sort of post then it’s I’m Alright Jack & The Beanstalk, an album many don’t know even exist. And it’s not creepy! What it is a straight up rockin’ love song about knowing full well you care about the other person way more than they care about you, not very deep or original but bloody fun and a good rockin’ sing-a-long and more so it’s chorus has that ditty quality to it that makes it perfect to sing when you’re doing something that means you clearly need a life, like say cleaning unidentifiable powder off the backside of a Spider-Man toy or sorting your porn out or whatever.

Would You Be So Hot (If You Weren’t Dead) (Grave Disorder, 2001)
It’s time for one from the Captain! Of course Vanian’s still on vocals because I want his babies and his baritone makes me swoon but Sensible wrote the song and if you ever wanted to know what the Damned would sound like if they were The Monkees then this is the track you need to hear, of course it still has gothic and psychedelic sounds going on, it’s by the Damned, but there is a very Monkees jangle going on in places too that both disturbs and delights me (I like the Monkees alright? Sue me) and of course it turns into a technical guitar wank off at the end because the guitarist wrote it. Anyway the song is based around a sentiment (that I happen to share) – that being dead has a nasty habit of making people think a lot more of people than their actual talent and achievements support, I’m particularly bitter about this because a lot of dead people I like somehow haven’t benefitted from the ‘dead rule’ – amongst them Ian Dury, Wendy O’ Williams, Joe Meek, Vampira, Malcolm Owens and Thuy Trang – but Jade Goody is now somehow a saint, and I make no excuses or apologies for this, it bugs me. So you should like this song because I agree with, because it sounds a little bit like The Monkees and because it gives Dave Vanian a lot of chances to draw out words in a deep voice, am I doing this ‘recommending shit’ thing right?

Obligatory Cover Version: Help! (B-Side w/ New Rose, 1976)
I tried, I tried to make it White Rabbit or Alone Again Or and they’re so good but I can’t do it, I can’t not recommend a punk band jamming The Beatles’ Help into 1 minute 44 seconds like some mad, yelping B-movie version of The Ramones. It helps that the song is genuinely a good little expression of what it’s like to suffer from depression and to ask for help (for me it’s the first John Lennon song that lives up to his reputation, would you be so hot if you weren’t dead john? Oh wait, yeah you would, you were in the Beatles, shit). As this is probably the only chance I’ll get and because this section is so short: Brian James was a bloody good guitarist, from crunching to roaring all with this little bit of fuzz, the man turns a light, fairly minimal Beatles arrangement into a ripping, full-bodied punk tune and does it at breakneck speed, talented bloke the Brian. 

Grimley Fiendish (Phantasmagoria, 1985)
Back to creepy. A nicely gothic piano led affair (or is it an organ? Or Is It A Dream? Ha, see what I did there? Is It A Dream is a song on the same album as this song and…moving on) about… my favourite character in British comic books:  Grimly Feendish - The Rottenest Crook in the World. The song puts Grimly on trial, as the judge and lawyers boom down at him, painting him as a corruptor of youth or a child that never grew up and the jury taunt him with ‘bad lad, bad boy, bad lad, bad boy’ Grimly gets to snap and shout about how he never got the breaks Dennis the Menace or Roger the Dodger got to be sympathetic3 and basically, there’s no one to blame for him but his publisher IPC for not treating him right. It’s pretty much the exact thing I’d expect Grimley to say if he really was on trial. But what if you’re not a fan of Grimley Feendish? Well then it’s still a creepy trial of someone who needs to be put ‘where the children can’t be found’ with a nice ‘dom dom dom’ piano figure, in fact I grew to like it before I knew who I was about (my dad once told me it was about the Child Catcher from Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang, which it totally could be) and it’s still really catchy.
But you SHOULD become a fan of Grimly Feendish because he was great - imagine Gru from Despicable Me (who looks suspiciously like Mr Feendish) but very British and more absurd. He once used once used giant Gummy Bears as minions for fuckssake. He appeared in Wham! (as the villain of the strip Eagle Eye – Junior Spy) and in his own strip in Smash! and Shiver & Shake, do yourself a favour and Google yourself some strips of his.

Generals (Strawberries, 1982)
While we’re on the subject of piano-led numbers meet Generals, the only reason this isn’t my favourite Damned song is because my next choice exists. The Damned made a big fuss about how they didn’t want to write songs about politics, current affairs or sociological issues like The Clash or The Sex Pistols (their two contemporaries early on in the Punk scene) and it made them seem shallow, the zenith of this was ‘Politics’ on 2nd album Music For Pleasure which made them sound like ignorant wankers, the band had come a long way in 5 years and Strawberries, an album with a song aimed directly at President Ronald Regan (it’s called Bad Time For Bonzo and is great) and Generals. Generals takes on those higher up in the chain command, the men who talk of valour and honour and sacrifice and greatship, the men who lead and let everyone know they lead, the men who have historically done this far from harm in nice comfortable lodgings.
The reason the song is so good is that it’s just fanatically well explained, so much so that I’m just going to recite the chorus for the rest of this paragraph: only the wounded remain /  the generals have all left the game / with no will to fight / they fade with the light / there’s nobody left they can blame.
This from the band that once had a song that pretty  much came down to ‘politics are stupid, you’re stupid, you shouldn’t talk because you have managers (even though we do too), politics are stinky’, it’s amazing what a change in lyricist and a couple of years of Thatcher will do.  

These Hands (Machine Gun Etiquette, 1979)
It’s about a killer circus clown, from the point of view of a killer circus clown, set to goth-punk calliope music, as he kills someone. I think that’s all I need to say for this one, next! 

Plan 9 Channel 7 (Machine Gun Etiquette, 1979)
So you may have gathered by now that I think Dave Vanian is god. I don’t think this, I know it. Vanain has composed a few epics during his time with the Damned, his masterpiece is generally considered to be Curtain Call on The Black Album – but it’s bloody long and it’s not about Vampira so I prefer this one, in fact this is my favourite Damned song and one my favourite songs period. It’s a roaring good arrangement with a gothic undertone to it, it has Dave Vanian doing his best style of vocals (‘booming’ pretty much covers it), it’s completely evocative of its subject (black and white Hollywood and black and white horror) and that subject is something I’m a big fan of: the original horror hostess Vampira. It deals with her…odd relationship with James Dean, Hollywood’s embracing and rejection of her and it’s general clucking, tongue wagging ‘ooh she’s a bit odd she is’ bullshit and basically how Vampira was just different and that she is wonderful and hypnotic and worthy of your love and a five minute song and you will bow to the queen and codifier and trend setter of horror hosts, bow you unworthy fuckers, bow!…it got away from me there a bit. If I must do ‘that thing’ imagine Nirvana’s Frances Farmer Will Have her Revenge on Seattle but sung by a vampire and played by an undead punk rock group and you should be there. Incidentally Frances Farmer’ is my favourite Nirvana song. Channel 7 was the channel that Vampira’s ‘Dig Me Later, Vampira’ show used to be broadcast on by the way.

Nasty (B-side w/ Thanks for the Night, 1984)
It’s the song they performed on The Young Ones, it has to be included. A straight up rocker about the Video Nasty scandal and the movies that inspired it, I’m never quite sure if it’s for or against the films: lines like ‘crash the horror taxi’ would imply to me that it’s against, that the Video Nasties are the ruination of the genre and given Dave Vanian’s love of the moodier black and white era of horror films I can see him thinking just that about these gory, exploitative, violent pictures like I Spit On Your Grave and The Last House on the Left; but at the same time it sound so joyous and celebratory and I can’t imagine the Damned having an issue with something that got up the arses of the establishment, the censors and that old cow Mary Whitehouse in such a delicious fashion so I dunno, maybe it’s just the way Vanian sings everything, he always sounds like he’s into it. Of course it could just be about the whole thing, whatever. Regardless it amounts to a rock song about watching a horror film and if it IS against the Video Nasties it’s sadly ironic as it pretty much has the exact same appeal – joyfully violent thrills. 

And with that I ha ha don’t have any more to ha ha say for this article. I’m not ha ha ha putting YouTube links up for these articles because a ha ha ha those sort of videos tend to get taken down and ha ha ha ha I hate finding a blog post with broken links so a ha ha ha ha ha A ha ha ha ha ha ho ho ho a ha ha ha ha ha A ha ha ha ha ha ho ho ho a ha ha ha ha ha A ha ha ha ha ha ho ho h -- STOP LAUGHING!

1 called Not of This Earth in some territories including its original Japanese release but apparently I’m Alright Jack & The Beanstalk, which was used in the UK, was the intended name for the album (but was considered too much of a mouthful for the Japanese, what with their native language being Japanese an’ all) so it’s the name I’m using.
2 my VERY basic understanding of the problem is that when Vanian was called in do vocals for the album’s worth of material (Scabies and a previously non-Damned guitarist Alan Lee Shaw wrote all but Prokofiev on their own) he was under the impression that it would be released only in Japan (under a different band name – I think) and would only be used to fund the next Damned album (presumably with more previous Damned members?) but Scabies then released it under The Damned named and in all territories and Vanian thought he’d been used
3 this is my interpretation of the line ‘you never made me good’ with ‘good’ meaning ‘heroic’ because Grimely Feendish WAS a good strip, it was popular and well received at the time and retains critical praise to this day. 

Saturday, 24 June 2017


Photobucket won't let me us them as a 3rd Party Hosting site anymore, apparently it's not allowed 'oh my plan'. This is probably my fault for always being 10 years out of date with everything.
This blog currently has over 200 posts with over 2000 images, how I DO have all of these backed up on my harddrive but it's sill gonna take me some time to replace all the images. I could pay Photobucket but they want over $300 dollars. I feel a bit like I'm being held to ransom and even if I had $300 to spend on a file hosting site I wouldn't give it to Photobucket.
SO. If you see a page title with an asterisk that means I've replaced the images, if a page title has no asterisk, the images aren't back yet. I'm sorry all my imaginary chums,
I have a mega busy week coming up too with some windows being put in so images won't be replaced as quickly as I'd like but after this time next week images'll be back much faster. Thanks all.   

Friday, 16 June 2017

Examples of Crap I Waste Other People's Money On: Birthday 2017 Edition*

It was my birthday this week! And as I’ve not gone to a bootsale this weekend nor will I be going to one next weekend I thought “oh no, my imaginary readers might not be able to survive without a post about the random shit I now possess” so I’m writing a birthday special of Examples’, yay right? Yay? Please?
I had a really nice birthday by the way; I suppose ‘effortlessly enjoyable’ sums it up. Everyone came over for a barbeque – two of my mates did the cooking (one for meat, one for vegan) and no-one fell in the pond (sadly) – then on the day I went to my beloved Southend-on-Sea and to their Sea-Life Centre Sea-Life Adventure which now has that well known aquatic species: the meerkat (I’m not joking, they genuinely have meerkats) but also mega adorable otters and FUCKING PENGUINS, the best of animals and my nan bought me a penguin that plays the Venga Boys and is wearing deely boppers. The girl who served us was utterly adorable – so of course I was with my nan buying a penguin that plays the Venga Boys and was wearing deely boppers, if you’re reading girl who served me at Sea Life Adventure, I’m not that sad it was just my birthday! Honestly! Of course if you are reading this then you will know how exactly how sad I am and in what ways. Oh well, at least I’ll be single with a musical penguin, I find most things are more palatable with musical penguins.
Present wise I fucking made out, which means that this post will probably be less amusing than it could be because I’m a bit short on random silliness this year, I’d feel bad but I really, really don’t, sorry.

Convention Fund!
Ok I do have a couple of random things. I probably should be highlighting the awesome Rocky Horror Picture Show script the couple (not the two pictured, only Lady Deadpool is part of the couple who gave me this) also gave me but I figure a picture of two girls in cosplay kissing might get me more hits than me going on about how much I love Tim Curry – again. The girl who made this is the one dressed as Lady Deadpool, the one dressed as All New Wolverine is my unofficial little sister, the latter relationship really ruins the titillation for me a bit. Apparently there is another picture taken a second after this where the fellow standing between their heads noticed what was going on at his right, the decision was made to use the shot that didn’t feature a turned on Black man. This is just ingenious - it’s a picture but it’s also a money box and it’s a money box for something that’s related to the picture – sorted. I’m sure they’re all over Facebook or whatever but I’ve never seen one before so I think it’s neat.  

Thursday, 15 June 2017

Gulliver's Alive!: A Sentimental Ramble About the Large Fiberglas Gulliver currently in Southend-On-Sea's Adventure Island*

Gulliver’s back!

 A quick and, perhaps, an odd little post but I needed to put this is on the internet.
Never Never Land used to be a small tourist attraction at Southend-on-Sea; it was built into the Shrubbery, a sloping hillside that’s the other side of the road to the beach. It’s worth noting here that there were in fact two Never Never Lands, the first that operated from the 1950s until 1972 and the second that operated from 1987 until 2000, they were both on the same land and the same sort of attraction but with virtually completely different content - what I’m about to say only pertains to the ’87-’00 version which is the one I went to, the one with castle full of He-Man figures and the creepy always-shocked fibreglass mice everywhere.

These things.

Friday, 9 June 2017

Trio, Kinder Egg, Pokemon and Centre Parcs present: A Chocolate Extravaganza!*

I had a review written but I need to do some shit for it and don’t have time, so instead: here’s some chocolate
And so I realised that I’ve got a shitload of noteworthy chocolate hanging around my house, mostly in my extension. Do I usually keep chocolate in my extension? Yeah, actually. Isn’t this titillating? By ‘noteworthy’ I mean chocolate you can’t just walk into a paper shop and buy all year ‘round, stuff that’s limited to a specific place or time of year or stuff that’s just unusual, special chocolate. Some of it I’d been meaning to talk about on here, some of it is getting featured to pad out the post – so yes that’s what we’re doing today, talking about some assorted nummy treats, so are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin:

Centre Parcs Chocolate Bars!
These have been sitting in an alcove waiting for their AFB Tribute since I got back from Centre Parcs this year, but depression was there and when I my mood was a little bit better I still couldn’t think of a way to stretch my love for these out into more than a paragraph or two, oh well, they can shine here. Centre Parcs has been having exclusive chocolate bars made for them since I’ve been born and although the packaging has changed - when I was wee they came dressed like a Kit-Kat used to, foil covered with a paper wrapper worn like colourful pull-over now they come in these very upmarket art-deco boxes with a sealed-for-freshness wrapper because fun is now allowed when you want to appeal to adults -  but the bar inside has remained mostly the same, eating one in the little kitchen area of a Centre Parcs villa is a straight passport back to childhood. No, wait, can I just rant for a moment about changing the Kit-Kat packaging? Because I’m not over it, I know that it keeps them fresher; I know that they’ve been like in America for years, I also don’t care because 1) I don’t like change 2) replacing something iconic with something practical is never satisfying 3) they’re less satisfying to open and harder to share/break, two things that Kit-Kat had going for it and the latter being a major factor in the bar’s concept and advertising 4) Kit-Kats that aren’t slightly stale and chewy taste weird 4) I don’t like change.  
Back to these holiday camp bars then: The best way to describe these is if a Yorkie and a Toblerone had a baby but the offspring was creamier than both, Centre Parcs is very much a European holiday resort and their chocolate bars are very much European chocolate, a little bit more cocoa, a fresh feeling in your mouth afterwards even from the ones that aren’t mint, they somehow manage to taste like walking in Centre Parcs. I actually bought four bars to bring home with me for me (I bought bars for my family too, I’m not a bastard, just a pig) but I couldn’t hold out until after I wrote the article and one of the standard milk chocolate ones disappeared. I’d like to say it was because my willpower was lowered by heavy depression but we all know that’s bullshit so I’ll tell the truth – I just couldn’t wait any longer, I needed to taste Centre Parcs. I made that sound way dirtier than I wanted it too.

Monday, 5 June 2017

Examples of Crap I Waste My Money On: Bootsale Report 14!*

It’s that time again!

Didn’t do a bootsale last week because I went to a convention, the reason you didn’t get one of these for that convention is because a lot of what I bought is for my birthday so I in fact don’t yet have it to photograph and waffle on about while you all pretend to look interested (thanks for that by the way). As a nice change of pace, this weekend’s bootsale was lovely, Saturday had been beautiful weather to Dunton was big and busy but Sunday itself was, while warm and sunny, warm and sunny with a cool breeze and the occasional cloud to provide respite. A shocking thunderstorm Friday kept the dust down, coming at the end of the half term school holidays kept the number of regular families selling up (rather than market stall like sellers who do this for a living/second income), I’d had a good amount of sleep and felt fine, so happily wandered through isle after isle of stalls buying a surprisingly large amount of small toys:

click to enlarge, it's quite fun to stare at
So it’s a very vertically challenged ‘haul’ this time but a very full and pleasant one, the ratio of genuine collectibles to utter rubbish that only I would be this enthusiastic about isn’t any different of course but what do you expect? I worry these articles may be getting redundant but goddammit they help justify my expenditure on other people’s old junk and I need that, I think I’m gonna go question my life for a minute.
Right, yes, how about some enthusing about toys ‘n stuff? As always these are just the items that I can squeeze a paragraph out of and I’m not necessarily saying they’re the best things in that photo, except when i explicitly say they’re some of the best things in the photo. So are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll being: